“All we can do now is go out there and try to put on a brave face…” -Robert Isom whispering to himself in the mirror before walking outside to what can only be described as a corporate Salem witch trial. If you’re a halfway-decent attorney in Texas, congrats… you’re probably already on retainer for a furious American Airlines flight attendant who would like to “sue their boss’s a** for being a freaking moron.” Because yesterday was li...
Hey dad, what was it like when Bitcoin was trading at $100k+? (Source: Giphy) The last time things were looking this bleak for crypto, Coinbase was going full-send with its “America Loves Crypto” concert LOL. Oh how the turntables, they say. Case in point: Coinbase just posted a $667 million net loss and watched revenue crater 20% to $1.8 billion, which is a hell of a way to remind everyone that crypto's "this time is different" belief always ends...
Hey Siri, define “fumbling the bag”... Timmy Apple is back on his bull sh*t as Apple ate its worst single-day beatdown in nearly a year yesterday (read: -5%). And yet, it’s hard to pick which bullet hurt investors more. Was it Bloomberg dropping a nuke Wednesday night that Siri's long-awaited Gemini injection won’t ship until May at the earliest? Or was it the FTC deciding now's a great time to dip its proverbial pen into Apple's ink over alleged bias...
“Oh, so that’s why there’s 10 houses in my neighborhood that have had a yard sign out for months now…” -me after seeing the latest housing data It might not be the greatest time to take up flipping houses as a sidehustle (that is unless you want to be paying the mortgage for 6 months). Because January home sales just gave every self-titled “expert” who’s been screaming about a colossal housing crash since 2020… actual data to support...
Live Footage of Elon in xAI’s headquarters this morning: In case you were wondering how Elon’s week is going… his OpenAI copycat, xAI, just lost its SIXTH co-founder. Sixth. As in more than half of the original 12-person founding squad is now gone. Jimmy Ba (who led research, safety, and enterprise) confirmed he’s out. Just days earlier, Tony Wu, the guy running xAI’s reasoning team, also bailed. A handful of other early architects have already drifted aw...
Chinese EV maker BYD, widely seen as Tesla’s biggest arch-nemesis, has filed a lawsuit against the U.S. government to recover tariffs paid under President Donald Trump and challenge the legal authority used to impose them. In court filings, BYD argues that the administration exceeded its authority by relying on the International Emergency Economic Powers Act to levy tariffs on imported goods. The company says the statute does not authorize border taxes, noting that the law does not expl...
“Just keep it in your pants Greg, and we’ll be just fine…” -Kroger board before the introductory press conference Alright, Midwesterners, you can breathe again. Every Walmart hater’s favorite grocery chain (and the undisputed champion of wholesome, heartland-coded commercials) officially has adult supervision back in the building. And trust me, you may be having a rough start to your week… but unless you're one of Elon’s baby mama’s...
Call your grandma and let her know that trip to Walgreens is officially cancelled. Because the (pharmacy) game done changed. Jeff Bezos’ global takeover operation (read: Amazon) just announced it’s expanding same-day prescription delivery to nearly 4,500 U.S. cities and towns by the end of 2026. That’s roughly 2,000 new communities, including full statewide coverage in Idaho and Massachusetts. In other words: if you can get a Prime package of protein powder and a knockoff...
Somebody get my portfolio some milk… If you or someone you love has been victimized by a bi-polar market that has you jumping out of your seat one day and crying in the corner the next… you may be entitled to compensation retail therapy. (Source: Giphy) In short, the market as a whole was taken behind the barn today with the Dow dumping 669 point, the S&P plummeting -1.5%, and the Nasdaq sliding -2%. Why? Because once again the main conversa...
God forbid Congress actually have a backbone for once… No matter which team you’re batting for (or if you’re just here for the popcorn) DC delivered an Academy Award level performance yesterday. Pam Blondie’s hearing didn’t exactly rewrite the history books. It did, however, turn half of Twitter into a confused thirst trap while the other half screamed about transparency. Politics, baby. The standout moment? When pressed on why she allegedly sat on the Epstei...
Somebody get my portfolio some milk… If you or someone you love has been victimized by a bi-polar market that has you jumping out of your seat one day and crying in the corner the next… you may be entitled to compensation retail therapy. (Source: Giphy) In short, the market as a whole was taken behind the barn today with the Dow dumping 669 point, the S&P plummeting -1.5%, and the Nasdaq sliding -2%. Why? Because once again the main conversa...
Call your grandma and let her know that trip to Walgreens is officially cancelled. Because the (pharmacy) game done changed. Jeff Bezos’ global takeover operation (read: Amazon) just announced it’s expanding same-day prescription delivery to nearly 4,500 U.S. cities and towns by the end of 2026. That’s roughly 2,000 new communities, including full statewide coverage in Idaho and Massachusetts. In other words: if you can get a Prime package of protein powder and a knockoff...
God forbid Congress actually have a backbone for once… No matter which team you’re batting for (or if you’re just here for the popcorn) DC delivered an Academy Award level performance yesterday. Pam Blondie’s hearing didn’t exactly rewrite the history books. It did, however, turn half of Twitter into a confused thirst trap while the other half screamed about transparency. Politics, baby. The standout moment? When pressed on why she allegedly sat on the Epstei...
Today in “things that should come as a shock to literally no one”... Dolla Bill Ackman is once again putting his money where his mouth is. This time, it’s a disclosed position in Meta that now eats up roughly 10% of the Pershing fund. Translation: Apparently believing shares are discounted due to fears of AI overspending right after the same company closed its Metaverse department due to… *checks notes*... overspending, is fiduciary investing. (Sour...
Fun fact: My waist size and the size of McDonald's recent earnings are in direct correlation… Well, friends… It appears McDonald's just reminded everyone that America will absolutely budget for fries before it budgets for therapy. The house Ronald built put up a stellar showing of $7B in revenue vs. $6.84B expected while adjusted EPS came in at $3.12 vs. the $3.05 expected. Oh, and Global and U.S. comps absolutely mooned 5.7% and 6.8% respectively. “...
Allow me to predict tomorrow's headline: Bureau of Labor Statistics fat fingers total number of jobs created in the U.S. over the past year LOL A “blowout” January jobs print hit the tape and the market reaction was about as exciting as a Bad Bunny halftime show (read: not exciting). In short, the receipts show the Bureau of Labor Statistics dropped 130,000 nonfarm payrolls versus 55,000 expected while unemployment came in at 4.3%... touch better than the 4.4% forecast.&...
Teradata Corporation (NYSE: TDC) shares traded higher Wednesday after the company reported fourth-quarter results that exceeded analyst expectations and provided first-quarter and full-year guidance above consensus forecasts. For the fourth quarter, the company posted adjusted earnings per share of $0.74, surpassing estimates of $0.56. Revenue totaled $421 million, compared with consensus expectations of approximately $401 million. Annual recurring revenue reached $1.52 billion at quarter end...
The Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries reported a decline in crude production in January while leaving its global oil-demand projections unchanged in its latest monthly market report. Total output from the broader OPEC+ alliance fell by 439,000 barrels per day to 42.45 million barrels per day in January. Production from OPEC members alone declined by 135,000 barrels per day to 28.45 million barrels per day, according to secondary-source estimates cited in the report. Several me...
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