Cramer rang the bell, and investors headed for the exits. Welp, Marvell just got thrown into the Wall Street woodchipper. Shares are down 16% today alone, and if you’re wondering what set it off… it’s a combo platter of “yuck” guidance, an AI narrative that lost a little juice, and, of course, the “Cramer Curse” showing up like Pennywise in a CNBC blazer. Back in May, our guy Jim was on CNBC laying hands on the Marvell ticker like he was about...
Pablo Escobar would have killed for this kind of repeat business… Fun fact: Affirm just proved the American consumer will finance literally anything short of oxygen. The buy-now-pay-later shop posted fiscal Q4 numbers that didn’t just beat… they humiliated estimates. (Source: Giphy) Earnings came in at $0.20 a share, almost double Wall Street’s $0.11 call. Revenue ripped 33% higher to $876 million, topping consensus by about $20 million. And net...
So remember earlier this summer when Zuck was handing out batsh*t crazy contracts to lure every OpenAI, DeepMind, and Anthropic nerd he could find? And then last week, out of nowhere, Meta announced an AI hiring freeze. It was almost as if one of Meta’s board members got Zuck’s AI credit card bill in the mail and said, “listen buddy, I’m really worried about you.” Turns out there may be a fire burning in Meta’s AI kitchen… and the smoke is starting to l...
Nothing brings sneakerheads and Wall Street together quite like a mutual agreement that Nike has been absolute trash since the “lifestyle” pivot… Welp, Nike is cutting again. Not in the Jordan 1 “lost & found” sense… but in the employee headcount sense. Less than 1% of the office class is about to get told their new assignment is updating LinkedIn and pretending it’s “an exciting new chapter.” (Source: Giphy) In...
Kohl’s had everyone convinced the store was on fire yesterday… turns out it was just burnt toast in the breakroom. Let’s pour one out for the short sellers who thought they had the easiest bag of their lives. After news broke that Kohl’s was begging suppliers for more time to pay invoices (translation: “we’re broke, please don’t send collections”), the stock tanked 12%. Bears were already writing their victory speeches “First off, I...
“Wait! That was real?” You know that one Office episode where Oscar dares Andy to drunk-dial Angela and ask why she won’t sleep with “The Nard Dog”? Then the next day Oscar’s like, “Andy, you actually did that,” and Andy goes, “Wait… that was real? I thought it was a bad dream.” Yeah, that’s exactly what the stock market did this morning. On Friday, Jerome “Two-Step” Powell tap-danced onto the Jackson...
"Yeah, my portfolio is basically just one stock and a prayer." - a well-diversified investor (26, male, "fin-bro"), probably. The market doesn’t give two sh*ts who Trump fires at the Fed… not today, at least. Stocks finished higher Tuesday, brushing past the President’s letter to Lisa Cook that basically said “kicks rocks” and instead focusing on the only thing that matters anymore: Nvidia earnings. (Source: Giphy) In short, t...
Elon’s one tinfoil hat away from claiming Tim Cook and Sam Altman meet at Bohemian Grove to summon the ghost of Steve Jobs. As if we didn’t already have enough collusion beef clogging the national arteries, now we’ve got Elon himself marching into federal court, antitrust flags flapping behind him like he’s George Washington crossing the Delaware. This morning, two of Elon’s babies (X and xAI) officially filed a lawsuit against Apple and OpenAI, claiming t...
"The price is wrong, b*tch." - Wall Street to Figma, probably… Wall Street just took its first official look at Figma, and the verdict is basically: nice product, shame about the price tag. In short, the stock cratered nearly 10% Monday to $70.32 after analysts came out of the quiet period and slapped their ratings on the “hot” IPO. Hot being relative… this thing rocketed 250% on day one, only to bleed out 30% of those gains before the first bank even opene...
“I’m in the drug enterprise AI business”- Snowlfake Snowflake just reminded Wall Street why AI is the most addictive drug in the market right now. Case in point: Snowflake went full scorched-Earth on the haters as revenue came in at $1.14 billion, up 32% from last year, and earnings landed at $0.35 a share against the Street’s $0.27. The result? Shares are ripping +17% today as this quarter's numbers are enough to erase every concern about whether enterprise softwa...
“I won’t quit you…” The U.S. economy refuses to slow down… not because it’s healthy, but because we just don’t have that “quit” in us. Case in point: GDP for the second quarter was revised up to 3.3%, beating both the initial 3.0% read and Wall Street’s 3.1% forecast. How? Well, the driver wasn’t innovation or productivity… Instead, it was the heroes (read: American consumers) still swiping plastic like interest...
Celsius is chugging straight from RFK Jr.’s trickledown fountain… The Micah Parsons trade may have sent more TVs flying through walls in Texas than Tony Romo’s entire career, but in “Stonkland” this year, the real “holy sh*t” storyline is what I’m calling the RFK trickledown effect. Sure, RFK Jr. is better known for beefing with Big Pharma (and doing it with a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard), but his nonstop “healthie...
This morning got off to a bumpy start after Wall Street woke up, looked at Nvidia’s earnings report again, and in unison thought, “Wait just a dang second!” Sure, Nvidia had an insane quarter… $46.7B in revenue, up 56% year over year, beating estimates. But when you actually use your brain for 5 full seconds, everyone realized data center sales came in just shy of expectations. And since Nvidia’s entire AI empire essentially runs on its data center GPUs, that li...
I’ve been on a Sopranos binge lately on HBO Max, and listen… the show’s incredible. Tony’s out here doing Tony things, Carmela’s constantly two seconds away from throwing a lamp, and Uncle Junior is… well, Uncle Junior. But for some reason, HBO Max glitches on my TV constantly. Every tense scene freezes and it’s gotten bad enough that I’ve been this close to abandoning ship and crawling back to Netflix… they may have some horrible movies b...
The FDA just told Telix “it’s not me, it’s you” for the second time this year… Telix just took another punch to the gut from the FDA. For the second time in less than a year, the agency has swatted away the company’s biologics license application for Zircaix, a PET imaging agent meant to finally give kidney cancer diagnostics something better than a biopsy needle and a prayer. (Source: Giphy) The official line of the rejection is thus...
“I’m in the drug enterprise AI business”- Snowlfake Snowflake just reminded Wall Street why AI is the most addictive drug in the market right now. Case in point: Snowflake went full scorched-Earth on the haters as revenue came in at $1.14 billion, up 32% from last year, and earnings landed at $0.35 a share against the Street’s $0.27. The result? Shares are ripping +17% today as this quarter's numbers are enough to erase every concern about whether enterprise softwa...
"Look how they massacred my boy." - Victoria's Secret's net income, probably. Earnings season has a way of stripping companies bare, and Victoria’s Secret just reminded Wall Street what happens when the lights come on. Sure, sales were stronger than expected — but net income got halved, tariffs doubled, and the outlook for Q3 reads like the “secret” consists of getting bent over by reality. (Source: Giphy) In short, Q2 revenue ca...
Trump finally gets his Dwight Schrute moment with Mexico… If you’ve been following along, you know that Trump has been running the Dwight Schrute playbook for months… storming into Mexico’s metaphorical break room, pounding the table, and whispering, “We need to form an alliance.” Mexico, in classic Jim Halpert fashion, tried to brush him off with polite nods, awkward silence, and the kind of forced smile you give when your boss tells you about his podcas...
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