Uber's been having a pretty solid year all things considered. The stock’s up 31%, outperforming the S&P and even its meme-stock copycat cousin Lyft (up 11%). And while global markets are ducking for cover from the endless stream of tariff bullets (thanks to round-two trade wars with China) Uber’s been oddly untouched. No supply chain issues. No exposure to export bans. Just moving people and Big Macs like clockwork. On top of that, Bill Ackman just trimmed more of his...
Richard Dickson must have a Masters in creative accounting spin, because the dude just tried to serve investors a $250 million sh*t sandwich and call it a croissant. How so? GAP reported an honest-to-god earnings beat, then immediately lit a dumpster fire by admitting tariffs are about to burn ‘em to hell and stunt on their ashes… shares plunged -15% after hours. (Source: Giphy) In short, GAP knocked out Q1 earnings at 51 cents per share (versus 45 cents expect...
Look, I don’t want to say I told you so… Actually, scratch that… I absolutely do. Because from the moment the Trump administration started talking about how they were “working things out” with China, I raised an eyebrow so hard it hit my hairline (and that’s saying something). Like: You really expect me to believe the U.S. and China went from full-blown tariff warfare to “everyone’s happy” overnight? That we went from markets doing their be...
Palmer Luckey just crawled out of Zuck’s burn book and straight into the Pentagon’s thirst traps. In fact, I’d say this is the least predictable crossover since KFC made chicken-scented sunscreen (that really happened). But hey, modern problems require modern solutions, which is why Meta and Anduril Industries are now doing good cop, bad cop for the U.S. army, building VR headsets to help soldiers spot drones and blow sh*t up with AI-powered precision. Dick Cheney be like, &ldq...
It’s not exactly a hot take to say we live in a copycat world. Everyone’s out here stealing ideas like it’s a group project and no one wants to do the work. TikTok got hot? Now every app has vertical videos. Elon bought Twitter, torched it, renamed it “X,” and handed blue checks to anyone with $8 and a fragile ego. Zuck clapped back with Threads… pretty much Twitter on Xanax, where anything remotely fun gets filtered out like a curse word at a church camp. Ne...
Somewhere, Justin Bieber is popping bottles and checking Zillow for mansions with even bigger panic rooms. E.l.f. Beauty, just signed a deal to acquire Hailey Bieber’s Rhode for up to $1 billion in straight cash homie. (Source: Giphy) In short, the numbers are enough to make veteran retail CEOs question their existence. Why? Because Rhode went from zero to $212 million in net sales in under three years, direct-to-consumer, with just 10 products. E.l.f. CEO Taran...
Well, friends, our homeboy Reddit is about to get a new badge: come June 27, 2025, the unhinged forum where you can learn about quantum physics, why your cat hates you, and watch WallStreetBets collectively torch their savings… all in the same ten-minute scroll… will officially join the Russell indexes. That means index funds, pension managers, and all the other fun-hating grown-ups of finance will have to buy a chunk of the website that once saw 100k people spam “stonks&rdqu...
File this one under “Corporate Power Moves You Can’t Do In Kerbal Space Program.” Rocket Lab just decided to go full Metal Gear Solid and acquire Geost, a Tucson-based manufacturer specializing in the kind of electro-optical/infrared payloads that get Pentagon generals all horned up. Price tag? A bigly $275 million, split between $125M in cold, hard cash and $150M in Rocket Lab shares, plus a dangling carrot of $50M if Geost absolutely crushes it in 2026 and 2027. (Sourc...
Stocks absolutely ripped today after Donald Trump did something that genuinely shocked the system: he paused, took a breath, and (you might want to sit down for this) thought something through. Just last week, Trump proposed a HUGE 50% import tariff on all goods from the European Union, set to take effect June 1. That sent bonds into a tailspin and had the market prepping for yet another “oh no, he didn’t” selloff. A full-blown trade war with the European Union (America&...
Alright, I’m going to be honest here…. If you’d told 2021 me that AMC would rocket nearly 24% not because Reddit degenerates were YOLOing their stimmies, but because people actually left their couches, risked sticky theater floors, and bought $17 sodas… Well, I’d have laughed so hard I’d have choked on my own Milk Duds. And yet, here we are: the meme stonk, just pulled off a record-smashing Memorial Day cash grab, powered by actual, tangible business results...
Costco made two pretty big moves yesterday. One involved billions of dollars in revenue and the other involved a combo calzone stuffed with sausage, pepperoni, and enough cheese to earn a shoutout on Reddit’s front page. And somehow, it was the calzone (not the billion-dollar earnings) that hijacked Reddit, lit up Twitter, and sparked debates about whether marinara on the side should be a human right (you probably think I’m joking). But it’s 2025, and nothing surprises us anymo...
If Nvidia is the G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) of the AI revolution, then their recent earnings were absolutely biblical. And naturally, the market reflected it in today’s price action (kind of). Both the Nasdaq and the S&P 500 clocked in an easy 0.4% gain while the Dow reported a gain of 0.3%. As for Nvidia though, it mooned 3%, and basically set the tone for the entire AI market. Miss earnings? The Nasdaq gets thrown out of a moving car. Beat by a country mile, like ye...
Somewhere, Justin Bieber is popping bottles and checking Zillow for mansions with even bigger panic rooms. E.l.f. Beauty, just signed a deal to acquire Hailey Bieber’s Rhode for up to $1 billion in straight cash homie. (Source: Giphy) In short, the numbers are enough to make veteran retail CEOs question their existence. Why? Because Rhode went from zero to $212 million in net sales in under three years, direct-to-consumer, with just 10 products. E.l.f. CEO Taran...
Elon Musk just finished his 130-day government speedrun, and the only thing more inflated than his ego is the federal deficit he was supposed to fix. After slapping a “thank you” sticker on Trump’s forehead and blessing the White House with another passive-aggressive post on X, the world’s richest degenerate is officially done being the judge, jury, and executioner of federal bloat. (Source: Giphy) To be fair though, Elon isn’t leaving his Iron...
I don’t think we’ve ever talked about Penn Entertainment here at Stocks.News… and that might’ve been a crime. Because this stock has everything we love: corporate drama, eyebrow raising insider buying, meme stock potential, a proxy fight, and Dave Portnoy pulling off the greatest “I told you so” in modern business history (at least, in my opinion). So let’s catch up on the endless content machine that is PENN, because between a near-$500K insider...
There’s a long-running joke in finance circles that anytime Palantir so much as blinks, everyone from hedge fund interns to retail Redditors to bored DoD contractors immediately drops their Starbucks, pulls up a chart, and whispers, “What did Karp do this time?” (Seriously, the guy could just microwave some leftover quinoa and someone would start a rumor about a classified Navy contract.) And to be fair, Palantir’s fanbase does tend to treat every press release lik...
I hope you like Judge Judy type government drama’s, because the US just served Donnie Politics for playing a little too Fast & Furious with tariffs. (Next up: Maury reveals which country’s economy he actually fathered.) (Source: Giphy) All jokes aside, the situation is as follows: A three-judge panel at the Court of International Trade… basically a group project with no snacks… just told Trump to take his “Liberation Day” tariffs an...
Let’s not kid ourselves… we all know how this market really works. It might act like it cares about tariffs, the Fed, inflation, or how many times Jerome Powell said “transitory” during a press conference, but most of that’s just noise. At the end of the day, Wall Street plays a game of follow the leader. And the two names everyone’s trailing behind? Apple and Nvidia. That's it. You could shut the rest of the market down for maintenance and no one would n...
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